Not Dead Yet!

We used to joke about this Monty Python scene all the time (well, usually only when Doug would crash his mountain bike....) - these days it seems appropriate just about every day.

No really - I'm really not dead yet - not even close, apparently.  After the little overnight hospital adventure in the last post, the docs did a few more high-tech tests.  I still have heart flutters and often can't catch my breath, but when the smart folks crunched all the data, it turns out I'm just fine.  My LVEF (that's Left Ventricular Ejection Fraction for you newbies) has decreased by 8%.  That's enough to warrant regular monitoring for the next year, but thankfully not enough to signal cardiotoxicity (which could mean stopping the chemo early or reducing the dose).  For chrissakes, I'm at mile 20 of the goddamned marathon, I am NOT going to quit before I get the coveted finishers medal!!! 😵

Other than that, its been a pretty good two weeks.  I was able to work a lot more than I have in the past, and actually had an appetite and some energy this week.  Not to sound too much like a hippie dippie love child, but I really think it may have something to do with the supplements I've started taking.  (Yes, mother, I asked my doctor - they're completely safe).   I'm currently taking 1500 mg/day of Spirulina (antioxidant and immune system booster); 1200 mg/day of CoQ10 (energy, heart function, brain function, and may fight recurrence of cancer); and 1000iu of good old Vitamin D (stops the growth of cancer cells).

Hippy Dippie Love Children after taking Spirulina & CoQ10

That's a wrap for tonight.  Long day in the ChemoPoison Torture Chair tomorrow - it's another 3-drug cocktail day.  The good news is that I get to start it with a massage, compliments of the Pain Management center at SAMMC.  I told you this place is amazing.

All expenses paid overnight stay at the luxury SAMMC!

Finally home from a somewhat scary but mostly annoying overnight stay at the hospital.  One of the potential side effects of the Herceptin is permanent heart damage, which, if not caught, could lead to congestive heart failure.  Given my family history of heart issues (even though the docs say I have the heart of an 18 year old) this was the one thing that really bothered me about starting this chemo regimen in the first place.  So, we've been pretty sensitive to looking for warning flags on that shore.

A few days after Triple-Cocktail #3, I had some heart flutters followed by wicked bad dizziness.  Docs did an EKG and ordered a bunch of tests for next week.  Well, yesterday, only about 24 hours after Triple-Cocktail #4, the same thing happened.  Doug insisted on bringing me to the ER.  The combination of having active heart palpitations, a bald head, and an "I'm a chemo patient" card got me moved right to the front of the line (well ahead of all the trainees complaining of sprained ankles and headaches).  By 3 pm, I had been all hooked up to wires, had another EKG, gave a few vials of blood, and seen no less than 3 different doctors, all of whom insisted that I be admitted at least overnight for observation.

So I spent the night in the hospital (no fancy city-view room this time), all hooked up to a constant heart electrofunctioning monitor, getting probed and prodded and measured every hour on the hour.  Of course, there weren't any more heart palpitations or dizziness, so nothing for them to catch with all their fancy monitoring equipment.  I bribed my way out of there this afternoon, promising to come back tomorrow for more fancy heart tests, and again on Wednesday to get fitted with another fancy heart monitor thingy.  Once again, I question the sanity in a treatment regimen that almost kills me in order to kill the thing that tried to kill me in the first place.

ChemoPoison Torture Chair

Spent my day strapped to the ChemoPoison Torture Chair.  Emptied both e-mail Inboxes, transcribed some notes, reviewed witness lists, wrote a memo about case strategy ideas, spent quality time with Best Husband in the World, and made my Chemo Nurse laugh her best infectious laugh on multiple occasions.  If only I could figure out a way to avoid the shitty journey to the edge of death that I'll be on for the next 10 days......😉

Keep Swimming

via GIPHY

Just finished Week 8 of this Chemo Adventure, and "keep swimming" pretty much sums up my goal for the next 8 weeks.  The effects of the chemo are getting stronger and lasting longer as the toxicity builds up in my beleaguered body.  I'm still thankful to wake up every morning, and grateful for all the wonderful people and blessings in my life.  But shit, most of the time, I'm just trying to muster enough energy to keep swimming.

The most persistent issue is fatigue.  Total body and mind tired.  Hell, you could put a top-of-the-line mountain bike and 50 miles of pump track in front of me most days, and I'd probably say "eh, whatever, I'm gonna go take a nap instead".  It's that bad.  

Then there's the burning nerve pain on the soles of my feet caused by the chemo.  Most of the time, its just an annoying burn, like my skin is on fire.  But if I go for a long walk, it's kinda like having a million sewing needles sticking up through my insoles with every step.  

Oh, and then there's my tastebuds.  Some of my Survivor Sisters say theirs just went dead.  Well, my special chemo cocktail makes my mouth taste like sour milk all the time.  Have you ever had coffee with sour milk?  Totally ruined coffee for me (I even walked right past a Dunkins in the airport and didn't order a single thing!).  The worst part - red wine is now unbearable.  I took a sip of Cabernet the other night and had to spit it out.  Me!!  Spit out wine!!!!!  I shit you not.

What else?  Oh yeah.  ***TMI ALERT***  There's also the burning pee.  Apparently a "very rare" side effect of the Herceptin is the joy of peeing barbed wire that's been soaked in battery acid and lit on fire.  (BTW...the Herceptin is the one I get to take until January.  Yay.)

Then there's the chemo-brain.  It's real, people.  Some days, there's just a fog that I can't see through.  Then there are the times I'll start to ask Doug something but by the time I get his attention, I've completely forgotten what I was going to say.  Every day, I try to do some research or write a motion for a case, but I just can't get past the words on the page to be able to process any of it.  So much for making any brilliant legal arguments in the near future.

via GIPHY

These are all just icing on the cake of the near-constant nausea, runny nose and eyes, spontaneous nosebleeds, bald itchy head, sore joints, aching muscles, and blisters inside my mouth.  That's the point of chemo, though, right?  They take you as close to death as they can, to kill the thing that tried to kill you in the first place.

But hey, my fingernails and toenails haven't turned black and fallen off (yet), as all the warnings promise.  I still have a few eyelashes left.  The fact that I've substituted unsweetened pomegranate juice for wine, and no longer eat anything enjoyable, means I won't have to fast for two weeks before my next Army weigh-in.  And Border Collies herding squirrels still makes me laugh so hard I cry.

The point, my friends, is not to complain.  Just sharing my reality .... and a gentle reminder that "when life gets you down, you know what you gotta do?  Just keep swimming.  Just keep swimming.  Just keep swimming swimming swimming."