Keep Swimming

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Just finished Week 8 of this Chemo Adventure, and "keep swimming" pretty much sums up my goal for the next 8 weeks.  The effects of the chemo are getting stronger and lasting longer as the toxicity builds up in my beleaguered body.  I'm still thankful to wake up every morning, and grateful for all the wonderful people and blessings in my life.  But shit, most of the time, I'm just trying to muster enough energy to keep swimming.

The most persistent issue is fatigue.  Total body and mind tired.  Hell, you could put a top-of-the-line mountain bike and 50 miles of pump track in front of me most days, and I'd probably say "eh, whatever, I'm gonna go take a nap instead".  It's that bad.  

Then there's the burning nerve pain on the soles of my feet caused by the chemo.  Most of the time, its just an annoying burn, like my skin is on fire.  But if I go for a long walk, it's kinda like having a million sewing needles sticking up through my insoles with every step.  

Oh, and then there's my tastebuds.  Some of my Survivor Sisters say theirs just went dead.  Well, my special chemo cocktail makes my mouth taste like sour milk all the time.  Have you ever had coffee with sour milk?  Totally ruined coffee for me (I even walked right past a Dunkins in the airport and didn't order a single thing!).  The worst part - red wine is now unbearable.  I took a sip of Cabernet the other night and had to spit it out.  Me!!  Spit out wine!!!!!  I shit you not.

What else?  Oh yeah.  ***TMI ALERT***  There's also the burning pee.  Apparently a "very rare" side effect of the Herceptin is the joy of peeing barbed wire that's been soaked in battery acid and lit on fire.  (BTW...the Herceptin is the one I get to take until January.  Yay.)

Then there's the chemo-brain.  It's real, people.  Some days, there's just a fog that I can't see through.  Then there are the times I'll start to ask Doug something but by the time I get his attention, I've completely forgotten what I was going to say.  Every day, I try to do some research or write a motion for a case, but I just can't get past the words on the page to be able to process any of it.  So much for making any brilliant legal arguments in the near future.

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These are all just icing on the cake of the near-constant nausea, runny nose and eyes, spontaneous nosebleeds, bald itchy head, sore joints, aching muscles, and blisters inside my mouth.  That's the point of chemo, though, right?  They take you as close to death as they can, to kill the thing that tried to kill you in the first place.

But hey, my fingernails and toenails haven't turned black and fallen off (yet), as all the warnings promise.  I still have a few eyelashes left.  The fact that I've substituted unsweetened pomegranate juice for wine, and no longer eat anything enjoyable, means I won't have to fast for two weeks before my next Army weigh-in.  And Border Collies herding squirrels still makes me laugh so hard I cry.

The point, my friends, is not to complain.  Just sharing my reality .... and a gentle reminder that "when life gets you down, you know what you gotta do?  Just keep swimming.  Just keep swimming.  Just keep swimming swimming swimming."