Gratitude

Sure, that's the new buzzword, right?  Gratitude.  Everyone telling us we should be grateful, have more gratitude, wear t-shirts that remind us to be grateful ....  blah blah freaking blah.  

But stay with me for a minute.  Read this:

Indeed, this cuts to very heart of my definition of gratitude, which has two components. First, it’s an affirmation of goodness. We affirm that there are good things in the world, gifts and benefits we’ve received. This doesn’t mean that life is perfect; it doesn’t ignore complaints, burdens, and hassles. But when we look at life as a whole, gratitude encourages us to identify some amount of goodness in our life.

The second part of gratitude is figuring out where that goodness comes from. We recognize the sources of this goodness as being outside of ourselves. It didn’t stem from anything we necessarily did ourselves in which we might take pride. We can appreciate positive traits in ourselves, but I think true gratitude involves a humble dependence on others: We acknowledge that other people—or even higher powers, if you’re of a spiritual mindset—gave us many gifts, big and small, to help us achieve the goodness in our lives.

From "Why Gratitude is Good" by Dr. Robert Emmons, Dept of Psychology, UC Berkley.

Still there? (I promise I won't get all wonky on you ... hang in there)

Here's where I'm going with this.  The most overwhelming emotion I've experienced the past 2 months has been gratitude.  Pure, unadulterated, full-on, balls-to-the-wall gratitude.  I've known for at least the past ten years or so how damned lucky I am, but I don't think I really ever appreciated the full-tilt enormity of how lucky (charmed, blessed, gifted, whatevs) I really am.  Stare cancer in the face and it all becomes very very clear.  So, here's just a few of the things that I'm grateful for.

1.  Doug

Well this is kind of a no-brainer, right?  Everybody is thankful for their spouse (most of the time anyway).  But this is different.  From the day of the biopsy on, never for a second have I ever even had to think about not having his full support.  Never for a moment did I worry about whether he'd still love me if I didn't have boobs.  When the Army offered to move us to San Antonio (a city he previously vowed to NEVER live in), he forced me to accept it because it would be best for me and my health.  Of course he's taken care of me after the surgeries, and sat on long lines at the pharmacy to pick up my meds, and driven me around in horrible traffic so I can buy organic food, but that's not where my overwhelming gratitude lies.  It's the unwavering, unquestioned, full-tilt support. I simply cannot imagine going through this -- or any part of life -- without him.  

2.  Friends

Wow - you have all been amazing.  So many people checking on me, sending little text messages here and there, sending really thoughtful and useful packages.  And it didn't stop after the surgeries. I just got another text a few minutes ago asking how I was feeling today.  Knowing that you all are out there and thinking about me - I am just so grateful for all of you.  Check this out - last week a friend at Ft. Bragg emailed to tell me that she knew I was feeling lousy, so she was going to take off work early and go for a trail run for me.  A few hours later, she sent this picture and a description of her run.  Easiest run I've ever done!! :)

I am grateful for every single one of you.  I appreciate every single text, funny email, and facebook chat.  I am stronger every day because of you.

3.  The Army, Army Medicine, and Army Insurance

This is the trifecta of gratitude.  First of all, my bosses are letting me work from home, as much as I feel up to it. I can't imagine being as sick as I was after chemo and having to go to work anyway. I don't know how women who run their own businesses, or those who work hourly-jobs with no paid sick leave, or who work for unrelenting corporate monsters do it. I am so grateful to not have that stress, and I know I will heal faster because of it.  Second, the level of care I get from the Army doctors is just amazing. Because there's no money involved (i.e., they aren't worried about billing for every procedure or every "consult") they just do what's best for me and my health. The doctors are always available and so compassionate - they actually call me at home just to see how I'm doing. The third part is the insurance.  Being on Active Duty is as close to socialized medicine as you'll see in America.  I don't worry about whether anything is "covered". I don't need referrals.  There are no co-pays.  I get whatever the doctor says I need, without even thinking about how much it will cost, or whether we can afford it, or how long I have to wait for the insurance company to approve it. I know how rare this is, and I fully appreciate how goddamned lucky I am to be in this position. 

I might have cancer, but damnit, am I ever lucky.