Bye Bitch

Beyonce Bye GIF from Byebitch GIFs

As my father used to say "don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!"  That pretty much sums up how I feel about 2017.

But let's not dwell on the past twelve months of hospitals, doctors, and Chemo-Poison infusions.  Because that, my friends, is in the past!!!

Ringing the bell on my way out of the clinic - this time its really the last time!

I'm starting 2018 with every reason to believe I am cancer free.  (There's apparently no way to really tell, but I'm just gonna go with the "cancer free" thing.)   There are still a couple of other medical things that I'll have to do in the New Year, but none of them involve poison.  #winning

Every single doctor appointment, every surgery, every chemo appointment, every trip to the ER, and all of the late night "fuck this; just fuck this shit" meltdowns, he was there by my side.  

 To love; to being alive; to perseverance; to new adventures; to justice; to furry companions; and to health!  Happy New Year!

It's Been a Blur

Since the last post, I finished the "big trial", and am thrilled to report that we got a fantastic result!!  Going into it, I honestly didn't know if my body would hold up 'til the end, but thanks to a creative combination of GNC supplements, caffeine consumption, KIND bars, and support from Doug, I made it.  Then, within minutes of the verdict, I found out I needed to immediately escort my client to a remote location in another state, to protect him from all the lunatics who announced to the Twitterverse that they were going to kill him.  So much for my much needed post-trial slumber (although it did keep me from indulging in post-trial celebrating, which probably wouldn't have been good for me either)!  

Once I returned to Ft. Bragg 2 days later, I crashed hard.  We were supposed to take a leisurely drive back to Texas, filled with hiking and breweries, but instead, I slept in the RV for 5 days straight.  We still managed to do a small hike and hit a brewery near Asheville, so all was not lost!

Pisgah National Forest in the Smoky Mountains

Boojum Brewery in NC.  What's a "Boojum" you ask?  Google it ... really.

Can dogs get drunk just by watching their humans drink beer? Perhaps.

We made it back to Texas just in time for the docs to pump me full of more ChemoPoison, and man, was that one tough.  The only thing I remember from the rest of November is sleeping, barfing, and wandering around in an incoherent fog of chemobrain.  Oh yeah, and there was that one totally useless trip to the ER when I was convinced I might actually be dying, but all they did was run some tests and tell me I was just full of poison. 

Damn doctors are trying to KILL me!!

Now, all of a sudden, its December again.  You know, that "wonderful time of year" when Corporate America brainwashes all of us into spending a bunch of money we don't have on gifts that nobody really needs,  presumably in celebration of a holiday that has absolutely nothing to do with giving anybody gifts.  #Resist 😏

Instead of gifts, we traveled to NJ to spend time with my mom.  We got to walk on the beach and visit a new brewery with an old grad-school friend.  We also ate way too many bagels, drank too much wine, and told funny stories about my father until we cried.  That, my friends, is the real holiday spirit. 

Jersey Shore

Backward Flag Brewing Company in Forked River, NJ

Finally, I am happy to report that I only have ONE chemo treatment left - on 28 December!  Because of the holiday, the nurse tried to push it into January.  OH HELL NO!!!!  Listen lady, I've already made a New Year's Resolution to avoid ingesting poison in 2018, so you're just going to have to squeeze me in this year.  With that light at the end of the tunnel, I can definitely get through the next month!

Ho. HO. HO y'all. 
via GIPHY

The Court is in Recess

Smack in the middle of one of the most important court trials of my life, and everything comes to a screeching halt so I can go get chemo.  F you cancer.  Just F you.

Alive

So this happened.....

I've never been opposed to tattoos, but never really felt strongly enough about anything before to actually get one.  But this - this being alive thing - that is pretty powerful.  This permanent mark on my skin is a combination of celebration and reminder.  Celebrating the triumph over death (at least for now); celebrating all the things we've learned through this journey; celebrating love and health and sunny days! 

But it also serves as a potent reminder.  A reminder that I am alive and that I almost wasn't; a reminder that today might be my last sunrise, so I better enjoy it; and most importantly, a reminder that even on the bad days, when the pain is almost unbearable or everything is going to shit at work, the sun still came up today, so its a good day, another day that I almost didn't have.  Deep, huh?

Let me explain the design, which was done by a wonderfully talented artist friend in Arizona (https://www.artexpressionsbyjen.com/).  The sun is a daily reminder of my father's spirit.  Those of you who didn't know him, my father was the model of optimism and gratitude.  He had his first heart attack when I was 5, and continued to have multiple additional heart attacks over the years until he passed away in 2015.  On top of all that, he also endured excruciating back and leg pain from severe stenosis in his spine.  He survived breast cancer.  He was on so many medications, the stock price of the pharmaceutical companies dropped when he died.  But you know what he said every single morning of his life?  He said "the sun came up again today - its another day!" with a giant smile.  He appreciated every single goddamned day he had and he never ever complained about his pain or illnesses or how many doctor appointments he had or how many medications he took.  He had a deep appreciation for every minute of the life he had, and loved my mother and me ferociously (even when we were being assholes) because he understood how precious every minute of life is.  It was his spirit and attitude that kept me going through the darkest moments of cancer, and that spirit that I don't ever want to lose.  When I told my artist that story, and asked her to put that in a tattoo, she came up with this, which perfectly captures my father's spirit. 

So there you have it.  Thanks for the strength, Dad!  Now every time I forget how lucky I am, or when I want to give in to the pain, I've got a little reminder on the inside of my left wrist.  Celebration and reminder.  😎

The Tamoxifen Ten

You've heard of the "Freshman Fifteen" but have you heard of the "Tamoxifen Ten"?  Its real.  And it comes without any of the fun of the Freshman Fifteen.

I know, I know, gaining ten pounds shouldn't phase me after surviving cancer.  But it does.  Maybe it's because gaining one pound can literally get me fired from my job.  Or because the first thing my promotion board sees is a life-size photo of me (not my resume, not my evaluations, not a list of cases I've won, but my photo).  Maybe because I exist in a work culture in which women literally starve themselves for weeks before getting their official photo taken, to ensure the photo shows that critical "half-moon" of blue sky between our elbow and waist.  Maybe because one of the documents in the "how to prepare your promotion board file" is all about "weight gain and your official photo".    

No, I'm not a professional model.  I'm just in the Army.  And yes, the Army is actually that obsessed with women's body weight.  There isn't any tolerance for an extra pound or a too-thick waist.  Fuck how good you are at your job - what really matters is looking perfect in your uniform.

So the Tamoxifen Ten is really disturbing.  I just survived a bilateral mastectomy and 18 weeks of wish-I-was-dead chemo, but what keeps me awake at night is the ten pounds I've gained from taking the drug that's (supposedly) keeping me alive.

Here's where my a-ha moment comes in, though.  Last week, I was traveling for work.  Despite the 12 hour stressful work days, 0500 flights, and multiple midnight rodeos with emails and other case prep, I still made time to exercise.  At the expense of sleep and rest.  Because Tamoxifen Ten.  By the time I got home, I was so exhausted, I slept for two days.  Doug says I need adult supervision.  He's got a point.

When I almost passed out at the gym the other day, after starving myself and then pushing myself way too hard at the gym, I finally told Doug (with the appropriate level of messy crying) why I'm so focused on pushing so hard at the gym.  It's because I have a HUGE trial coming up in October and the Tamoxifen Ten means my uniform doesn't fit perfectly.  Which means that the jury/judge will not be able to see past my extra-ten-pounds, which ultimately could negatively affect my client.  (Don't believe me?  Remember, this is the same culture that literally fires people who are excellent at their job solely because they gain a pound or ten)

You know what Doug said?  He didn't say "well you better starve yourself until then".  Nope.  He said "we'll just buy you a new uniform that fits better".   In his best "duh" tone.

He said he didn't give a shit about what the Army wanted me to look like, he'd rather have me alive.

This is why I love this man.

So today, I'll just do yoga.  And I'll keep eating healthy so my body can keep repairing itself.  And even though I'll be saying "fuck you Tamoxifen" under my breath, I suppose I will just buy a better-fitting uniform before trial.  Because being alive, and being healthy is kinda important.

First haircut

I finally gave in and paid a professional to clean it up a bit....

She even spiked it up with fancy gel. Doug says this definitely isn't AR 670-1 compliant, but I beg to differ.  It's definitely an improvement from when Doug shaved it all off with his clippers outside the RV back in January!

Hair

All hail the return of my hair!

I think its going to be blonde and curly.  There might be a little bit of grey.  I really need to get a haircut so its a little more even, but I just can't rationalize spending $60 for a little buzz cut that will take them 5 minutes.

Oh, and I never noticed how dis-proportionally large my nose was until these photos.

One more thing - I went to the dentist this week.  Despite holding a sugar-infused ginger candy between my cheek and teeth non-stop for 5 months, I didn't have a single cavity.  Score!!

Every day, a little bit better!

It's been 8 weeks since the end of the hard chemo.  I can't say its been all fun and games, but its a hell of a lot better than those 16 weeks when the oncologist was trying to kill me.

Doug took me to Vegas for my birthday in May, and the rest of the Norvell family surprised me by being there, too.  We ate great food, had a couple of drinks, spent a day in a cabana at the resort pool, went to High Tea at the Mandarin Oriental, did the spa thing, and saw a couple of shows.  The only thing that mattered was that we were all together, enjoying the little things in life.

The whole wacky family!

So much love!

The weekend after we got back from Vegas, our friends from Arizona - Kerri and Kate (and their four-legged owners, Bisbee and Callie) - drove all the way to San Antonio to visit us.  That weekend was filled with good food, wine (see a pattern?) and lots of dogs.  I was still pretty worn out from the Vegas trip, so we didn't do much exploring.  But it was great to catch up on everything we've missed since leaving Arizona.

Four energetic dogs all in one RV!

Then it was time to go visit Mom at the Jersey Shore.  The whole time I was going through chemo, she was such a support.  She even mailed me Irish Soda Bread kits every couple of weeks when that was the only thing I could eat.  I know she needed to see me as much as I needed to see her.  I forgot to take a picture with her, but I did take a picture of the ocean!

Seaside Heights, New Jersey

Traveling absolutely wears me out, but so does getting up too early, staying up too late, getting too hot, doing too much exercise, getting stressed about work, blah blah blah.  The docs keep telling me that my body has been through hell and its going to take time to get back to normal, but I don't like that one bit!

As far as treatment goes, I only have to get infusions once every 3 weeks - a triple-dose of the Herceptin - and I take Tamoxifen every day.  Apparently 7 out of 10 women have no side effects from that combo, but guess which group I'm in?  Essentially it feels like every single joint in my body has been hit with a sledghammer all...the....time.  Then there's the hot flashes and falling-off fingernails, but hey, I guess that means its killing off all those cancer cells.

Oh, and my hair is growing back. Check it out -

 
Happy Independence Day y'all!  Enjoy life!

Hair & cankles

So, my hair is growing back already....

Not clear what color its going to be.  Some of it looks blonde (or grey) but there is some dark fuzz there too.  It feels a lot like peach fuzz.

Had my first triple-dose of Herceptin last Friday (that's the targeted immunotherapy one that will hopefully keep the cancer from coming back).  Saturday brought very sore muscles and joints that were on fire.  But I was traveling, so I was thankfully distracted.  I also started the Tamoxifin (that's the one I stay on for 5-10 years).  Not a big fan.  The doctor warned that it would make my feet and ankles swell.  He didn't mention I'd develop full blown cankles.  I think I'm more upset about my new elephant legs than I was about losing hair.  (No, I will not post a picture).   But hey, its not cancer, so in the grand scheme of things......

I went on my first work trip this week.  Traveled back to Ft. Leonard Wood in Missouri (my least favorite place on earth) to be a "back seat driver" on a huge trial for a client I had to give up when I got sick. I didn't have to go, but I wanted to close the loop with this client, and also wanted to get back in the game.  All in all it was a success, but I learned a very important lesson:  I'm not ready to go back to work full time yet.  I wasn't even actively litigating - I was sitting behind the bar observing and helping the attorneys who took over for me.  And it absolutely exhausted me.  Just being "on" that much, and driving/walking/talking for 10 hours a day.  So yeah, Doug was right - I can't just flip a switch and be back to my old self. This is gonna take awhile.

The Grand Finale

On Friday, 5 May, I finished my last chemo cycle!!!  Tradition dictates that you ring a bell on the way out of the chemo clinic after the last treatment.  All the nurses stand around and cheer, and all the other patients in the clinic clap.

A little part of me is afraid I just seriously jinxed it, but whatever.  I also had my 3-month follow up with the surgeon this week, and after much feeling around where my boobs used to be, he concluded everything was just fine.  So between him and the Oncologist saying I am "cancer free", I'm just gonna run with that until I hear otherwise.

Doug and Sarah took me out for beers afterwards, and wow, did that IPA taste good!  Can you believe I drank two whole beers?  Doug said I was pretty funny after that.  Woo hooo - I'm a cheap date!!!

I'm not completely done with this cancer rodeo, but this certainly marks a turning point.  Everything from here is easy peasy compared to the past 6 months!

Let the Victory Parade Begin

You know what this is, people?

Yes, it's a pillow.  But not just any pillow.  Nope.  It's a brand new pillow.

You know how I said I drooled, sweated, and slumbered my way through chemo?  Yeah, well my pillow kinda took the brunt of that.  So I promised myself that once I had finished sweating out all the stinky ChemoPoison drugs, I'd buy a new one.  And not just any new one.  But a high-thread-count, goose down (certified humane, of course) fancy schmancy pillow.   This, my friends, is that pillow.

Hold onto your internet handlebars, folks, because there are going to be a LOT of celebrations like this over the next few weeks.  Sneak peak for Friday:  first beer!  Crazy.

The Final Countdown

OK, so its not quite that dramatic, but this chemo cycle has been a complete bitch.  The cumulative effect of six Triple Cocktails is rearing its ugly little alien head.  I've managed to sleep, drool, and sweat this week, and not much else.  I'll spare you the gory details.

Insomnia has been a thing this week ... maybe because I sleep most of the day.  Anyway, my faithful companion keeps me company at 0400, even if I have to bribe her with Ginger Snap Cookies (which incidentally, seem to be the only thing that doesn't make me feel like I ate an alien).

  

But the good news is this is the last round.  Just gotta get through this next week.  Keep swimming, keep swimming, keep swimming.   

28% Done!

First of all, I guess I should clear up any confusion caused by my last post.  No, I haven't given up on chemo and dragged the rest of the Norvell Pack on an epic road trip.  (Seriously people, have you ever known me to give up on anything?????).   The whole "I told Doug to hook up the RV" was more .... shall we say ..... aspirational.  Oh, there will be a road trip, and it will be freaking epic (think: mountains, beer, dogs, and an RV) .... it just isn't happening for a few months/years/somethings.

In other news, my heart issues seem to have stabilized.  I still get the flutters, racing, and helium-head, but I've learned to live with it.   Oh, and I figured out that if I (listen to the doctor and) stay away from caffeine, the heart stuff isn't as severe.  Yeah, that's right, Cancer - first you took my boobs, then my hair and wine, and now you're taking away my coffee too?  Cancer is such an asshole.

Today marked Week 15 of chemo.

Despite the giant tube sticking out of my chest, I'm actually having a good day!

Which went a lot better than Week 14......

Do you think the Barf Bag company would hire me as a promotional model???

Anyway, today I am 28.84% of the way done with chemo (according to the geteasysolution.com anyway .... y'all know I don't do math).  But the real news is that only ONE of those 37 remaining weeks is a Triple Cocktail ChemoPoison week!!  Next Friday marks my last dance with devil!  All the other drugs and surgeries in my future are just a good excuse to use the free internet at the hospital.

Happy Easter or Passover or Spring or whatever floats your boat this weekend.  Don't forget to stop for a few minutes every now and then, take a deep breath, and appreciate all the beautiful things.

 

 

My Kindred Spirit Woman

This.  All day long, this.

I just told Doug to hook up the RV.  We're hittin' the road!!!!!

Opening Day

99.9% of having cancer sucks.  But recovering from a nasty chemo in the hammock on Opening Day doesn't suck.  (Of course, it only lasted 2 innings before I was snoring away, but my Sox won anyway!)

Not Dead Yet!

We used to joke about this Monty Python scene all the time (well, usually only when Doug would crash his mountain bike....) - these days it seems appropriate just about every day.

No really - I'm really not dead yet - not even close, apparently.  After the little overnight hospital adventure in the last post, the docs did a few more high-tech tests.  I still have heart flutters and often can't catch my breath, but when the smart folks crunched all the data, it turns out I'm just fine.  My LVEF (that's Left Ventricular Ejection Fraction for you newbies) has decreased by 8%.  That's enough to warrant regular monitoring for the next year, but thankfully not enough to signal cardiotoxicity (which could mean stopping the chemo early or reducing the dose).  For chrissakes, I'm at mile 20 of the goddamned marathon, I am NOT going to quit before I get the coveted finishers medal!!! 😵

Other than that, its been a pretty good two weeks.  I was able to work a lot more than I have in the past, and actually had an appetite and some energy this week.  Not to sound too much like a hippie dippie love child, but I really think it may have something to do with the supplements I've started taking.  (Yes, mother, I asked my doctor - they're completely safe).   I'm currently taking 1500 mg/day of Spirulina (antioxidant and immune system booster); 1200 mg/day of CoQ10 (energy, heart function, brain function, and may fight recurrence of cancer); and 1000iu of good old Vitamin D (stops the growth of cancer cells).

Hippy Dippie Love Children after taking Spirulina & CoQ10

That's a wrap for tonight.  Long day in the ChemoPoison Torture Chair tomorrow - it's another 3-drug cocktail day.  The good news is that I get to start it with a massage, compliments of the Pain Management center at SAMMC.  I told you this place is amazing.

All expenses paid overnight stay at the luxury SAMMC!

Finally home from a somewhat scary but mostly annoying overnight stay at the hospital.  One of the potential side effects of the Herceptin is permanent heart damage, which, if not caught, could lead to congestive heart failure.  Given my family history of heart issues (even though the docs say I have the heart of an 18 year old) this was the one thing that really bothered me about starting this chemo regimen in the first place.  So, we've been pretty sensitive to looking for warning flags on that shore.

A few days after Triple-Cocktail #3, I had some heart flutters followed by wicked bad dizziness.  Docs did an EKG and ordered a bunch of tests for next week.  Well, yesterday, only about 24 hours after Triple-Cocktail #4, the same thing happened.  Doug insisted on bringing me to the ER.  The combination of having active heart palpitations, a bald head, and an "I'm a chemo patient" card got me moved right to the front of the line (well ahead of all the trainees complaining of sprained ankles and headaches).  By 3 pm, I had been all hooked up to wires, had another EKG, gave a few vials of blood, and seen no less than 3 different doctors, all of whom insisted that I be admitted at least overnight for observation.

So I spent the night in the hospital (no fancy city-view room this time), all hooked up to a constant heart electrofunctioning monitor, getting probed and prodded and measured every hour on the hour.  Of course, there weren't any more heart palpitations or dizziness, so nothing for them to catch with all their fancy monitoring equipment.  I bribed my way out of there this afternoon, promising to come back tomorrow for more fancy heart tests, and again on Wednesday to get fitted with another fancy heart monitor thingy.  Once again, I question the sanity in a treatment regimen that almost kills me in order to kill the thing that tried to kill me in the first place.

ChemoPoison Torture Chair

Spent my day strapped to the ChemoPoison Torture Chair.  Emptied both e-mail Inboxes, transcribed some notes, reviewed witness lists, wrote a memo about case strategy ideas, spent quality time with Best Husband in the World, and made my Chemo Nurse laugh her best infectious laugh on multiple occasions.  If only I could figure out a way to avoid the shitty journey to the edge of death that I'll be on for the next 10 days......😉

Keep Swimming

via GIPHY

Just finished Week 8 of this Chemo Adventure, and "keep swimming" pretty much sums up my goal for the next 8 weeks.  The effects of the chemo are getting stronger and lasting longer as the toxicity builds up in my beleaguered body.  I'm still thankful to wake up every morning, and grateful for all the wonderful people and blessings in my life.  But shit, most of the time, I'm just trying to muster enough energy to keep swimming.

The most persistent issue is fatigue.  Total body and mind tired.  Hell, you could put a top-of-the-line mountain bike and 50 miles of pump track in front of me most days, and I'd probably say "eh, whatever, I'm gonna go take a nap instead".  It's that bad.  

Then there's the burning nerve pain on the soles of my feet caused by the chemo.  Most of the time, its just an annoying burn, like my skin is on fire.  But if I go for a long walk, it's kinda like having a million sewing needles sticking up through my insoles with every step.  

Oh, and then there's my tastebuds.  Some of my Survivor Sisters say theirs just went dead.  Well, my special chemo cocktail makes my mouth taste like sour milk all the time.  Have you ever had coffee with sour milk?  Totally ruined coffee for me (I even walked right past a Dunkins in the airport and didn't order a single thing!).  The worst part - red wine is now unbearable.  I took a sip of Cabernet the other night and had to spit it out.  Me!!  Spit out wine!!!!!  I shit you not.

What else?  Oh yeah.  ***TMI ALERT***  There's also the burning pee.  Apparently a "very rare" side effect of the Herceptin is the joy of peeing barbed wire that's been soaked in battery acid and lit on fire.  (BTW...the Herceptin is the one I get to take until January.  Yay.)

Then there's the chemo-brain.  It's real, people.  Some days, there's just a fog that I can't see through.  Then there are the times I'll start to ask Doug something but by the time I get his attention, I've completely forgotten what I was going to say.  Every day, I try to do some research or write a motion for a case, but I just can't get past the words on the page to be able to process any of it.  So much for making any brilliant legal arguments in the near future.

via GIPHY

These are all just icing on the cake of the near-constant nausea, runny nose and eyes, spontaneous nosebleeds, bald itchy head, sore joints, aching muscles, and blisters inside my mouth.  That's the point of chemo, though, right?  They take you as close to death as they can, to kill the thing that tried to kill you in the first place.

But hey, my fingernails and toenails haven't turned black and fallen off (yet), as all the warnings promise.  I still have a few eyelashes left.  The fact that I've substituted unsweetened pomegranate juice for wine, and no longer eat anything enjoyable, means I won't have to fast for two weeks before my next Army weigh-in.  And Border Collies herding squirrels still makes me laugh so hard I cry.

The point, my friends, is not to complain.  Just sharing my reality .... and a gentle reminder that "when life gets you down, you know what you gotta do?  Just keep swimming.  Just keep swimming.  Just keep swimming swimming swimming."
 

Carpe Diem

Half Way There!

Strapped to the ChemoPoison Torture Chair now .... but when this cocktail is finished, I'll be HALF-WAY DONE with the hard chemo!!  Woohoooooo!  Sounds like a cause for celebration - all of you need to go drink a bottle of wine for me, ok?

At least I get some work done while I'm stuck here!

The past week was great (no, really!).  The docs let me travel to Ft. Bragg for a court hearing, even though when this all started back in January, they were adamant that I would not be allowed to travel until May.  According to the oncologist, I have the blood work of an 18 year old (note he didn't say the "body" of an 18 year old.....), despite all the poison he's been pumping into me, so he let me travel. 

Doug came with me to make sure I listened to my body and didn't overdo it.  (Not sure why you all think I'm going to overdo it all the time....).  It was a successful trip.  Well, American Airlines did fail to transport our luggage, but in the grand scheme of things, that was a pretty minor blip.  

All geared up to resist all the germ-carriers on the flight!

It felt great to be back in the saddle in court.  I could have done without all the pity stares from the gallery, but I rocked the bald head and flat chest in my Army B's (semi-dress uniform we use for court hearings - no blinged up jacket, but skirt and heels required).  I even consumed a beer during a team dinner - and guess what??? - I lived to tell about it!  There's hope!!!!  😎

So, since that trip went so well, the doc is now inclined to let me go again, as long as the scheduling coincides with my ChemoPoison-related effects, and presumably if I continue to have the blood work of an 18 year old.  

The neat thing about feeling good during the last 10 days of a chemo cycle means I have something to look forward to during the purgatory of the first 10 days.  There's always a light at the end of the tunnel (and its not always an oncoming train).  So, as I sit here today, knowing that I probably won't emerge from under the Big Fuzzy Grey Blanket for the next week, it's OK because I'll eventually feel better (and maybe good enough for a therapeutic hoppy beverage during week 3).

If you're curious about what I was doing in court at Ft. Bragg, check out one of these articles:

Associated Press Article

New York Times OpEd

Well, at least I have my Halloween costume for next year.  Until then, I think I'll stick with Bald and Flat!!!  😏

Winning

I'm back, bitches!

Friday was tough.  Cried at chemo.  Yelled at Doug (I know, right??).  Hollered at the dog.  Threw myself a pity party for one Friday night.  And then went to bed, determined to wake up Saturday morning and win.

And I did.

I was so goddamned cheery Saturday morning, Doug asked if I had a fever.

And then even though it was cold and damp, and my joints were screaming, I walked 5 miles at a damned good pace.

Then I kept a lunch date with my Survivor Sister, even though it would have been easier to just stay under the blankets.  Turns out pizza and laughter is good for the body and the mind!

And you know what?  It worked.  I got my mojo back.

So f*ck you, Cancer.  F*ck you ChemoPoison.  You don't get to cramp my style.  This bitch is back, and I'm winning.

Round Two: Defeat

Not gonna lie ..... this was an awful week.  Last Friday was my second rodeo with the "triple cocktail" and it literally knocked me on my ass ..... all week.  Until today, I haven't done much else but sleep and sit around cursing my decision to do this chemo thing.  But then today I woke up and my head was a little clearer, my joints were a little more mobile, and life looked a little bit brighter.  

Of course, this is just in time to go get poisoned again tomorrow.  (The usual author of this blog, the annoyingly positive one, has stepped out for a bit .... she'll be back eventually)

Musings from the Middle of the Night

Sleep is a funny thing.  I can doze off mid-sentence in the middle of the day, but some nights, all cuddled under fuzzy blankets and puppies, I just stare at the dark ceiling.  What better time to blog?

Here are a few things I've learned this week.

1.  The nicer you are to everyone, the better your life is.  (just call me Captain Obvious).  Spending so much time in the hospital has really brought this front and center.  The nurses and doctors deal with sad people all day long.  Its pretty easy to make them laugh, or smile by giving a small compliment, or just tell them you appreciate them.  The way they light up when you do that makes you light up, too.  (Hey Dad, I guess you really weren't just flirting with those nurses all those years - you were actually on to something!!  Thanks for teaching me how to handle this journey with laughter and kindness.  I miss you!) 

2.  When eyelashes fall out, they don't fall straight down.  They ALWAYS fall into your eyeball.  Every time. 

3.  There's a hierarchy for military medical care.  Active Duty in Uniform are at the top of the heap.  Then Active Duty not in uniform, then dependents, then retirees.  Being in a higher category gets you appointments faster, cuts down on the line at the pharmacy, and sometimes improves the way you're generally treated.  This week, I discovered a new category - a Platinum Executive Level, so to speak.  Active Duty in Uniform and Bald.  I'm freaking royalty now. 

4.  Women in general are amazing.  Complete strangers on the street tell me I look beautiful.  Female employees and neighbors at the campground stop to ask how I'm feeling, every single day.  The other day, another bald woman in the grocery store put her arm around me and asked how I was doing (we then discussed which flavor of herbal tea best disguises the ever present chemo-funk taste.)  There's even gender bias from the dogs.  Sunday (female) is my shadow, my snuggler, my constant companion - she runs to the bathroom with me, curls up at my head when I'm napping, and is just generally nurturing.  Finn (male) runs around squeaking his toy and licking his nether-regions.  

5.  Nose hairs actually serve a purpose (other than to tell you when its in the single-digits during a New England Winter).  They catch snot.  Seriously.  Now that I don't have nose hairs, my nose runs ALL THE TIME.  Oh, and sometimes it bleeds, free-flow, without any little nose hairs to stop it.  (Which was amazing fun in the checkout line of the grocery store the other day ...... "clean up on aisle four!!!")

6.  My timing of this cancer thing was impeccable.  If I was healthy right now, I'd be spending all of my time and money on flying around the country to protest marches and volunteering with the ACLU, HRC, Innocence Project, Planned Parenthood, etc., and probably getting disciplined by the Army for doing so.  So its good that there's something holding me back.  (Oh, but just you wait, world.)

That's it for now.  I'll leave you with this adorable picture of how I woke up from my nap yesterday.  

Snuggler in Chief, Sunday

GI JEN

And this is what you get when you let your husband have access to your Blog!

Look Ma - NO HAIR!!!!!

I asked for a "high and tight".  I got "Ranger School".  Guess you get what you pay for..... ☺

As usual, we had fun doing it.  And ..... outdoor living means there's no mess to clean up!!!  Bonus!

\

Hair Watch, Day 3

There's this weird little milestone after starting chemo - when does my hair fall out?  Some people freak out about it, but I'm like "bring it on already!!" .... because every milestone gets me closer to declaring victory in this war (and, um, I'm gonna save a boatload on shampoo and razors!!)

Science says it should happen between week 2 and week 3 A.C.  (If you're curious about the why, there's a good explanation here).  

Thursday, I woke up and my scalp was on fire.  Like someone had taken a cheese grater and rubbed it all over my head while I was sleeping.  Then the itching started.  I looked like a dog with fleas.  Friday was the magical 2-week-A.C. mark, so my scalp was right on schedule.  

I itched and scratched my way through Friday (and another chemo infusion).  I stood in the shower staring at my shampoo-suds filled hands Friday night, expecting to see gobs of hair  ..... but nothing.  I studied my pillow Saturday morning and found a bunch of hair ...... but upon closer examination realized it was much longer than mine and white, which meant that either the dogs snuggled on my pillow or Doug had taken an older mistress with flowing white hair.  

Today, the fleas are worse and when I scratch, my hands come out with a pretty good amount of hair on them.  Once it starts coming out in clumps, I'll go for the G.I. Jane look, but I'm hanging on until then.

In other news, my friends are f**king awesome - look at my new scarf! I can't wait to wear it to the hospital next week!!!

 

  

Ginger! Ginger! Ginger!

Natural queasiness remedy?  Ginger.  Seriously, I'm hooked.  This stuff from GingerPeople is the best - low sugar, all natural and some varieties are organic.  It also kills the ever-present chemofunk taste in my mouth. Seriously - order some for the person in your life with motion sickness, morning sickness, chemo sickness, whatever.

Gratitude

Sure, that's the new buzzword, right?  Gratitude.  Everyone telling us we should be grateful, have more gratitude, wear t-shirts that remind us to be grateful ....  blah blah freaking blah.  

But stay with me for a minute.  Read this:

Indeed, this cuts to very heart of my definition of gratitude, which has two components. First, it’s an affirmation of goodness. We affirm that there are good things in the world, gifts and benefits we’ve received. This doesn’t mean that life is perfect; it doesn’t ignore complaints, burdens, and hassles. But when we look at life as a whole, gratitude encourages us to identify some amount of goodness in our life.

The second part of gratitude is figuring out where that goodness comes from. We recognize the sources of this goodness as being outside of ourselves. It didn’t stem from anything we necessarily did ourselves in which we might take pride. We can appreciate positive traits in ourselves, but I think true gratitude involves a humble dependence on others: We acknowledge that other people—or even higher powers, if you’re of a spiritual mindset—gave us many gifts, big and small, to help us achieve the goodness in our lives.

From "Why Gratitude is Good" by Dr. Robert Emmons, Dept of Psychology, UC Berkley.

Still there? (I promise I won't get all wonky on you ... hang in there)

Here's where I'm going with this.  The most overwhelming emotion I've experienced the past 2 months has been gratitude.  Pure, unadulterated, full-on, balls-to-the-wall gratitude.  I've known for at least the past ten years or so how damned lucky I am, but I don't think I really ever appreciated the full-tilt enormity of how lucky (charmed, blessed, gifted, whatevs) I really am.  Stare cancer in the face and it all becomes very very clear.  So, here's just a few of the things that I'm grateful for.

1.  Doug

Well this is kind of a no-brainer, right?  Everybody is thankful for their spouse (most of the time anyway).  But this is different.  From the day of the biopsy on, never for a second have I ever even had to think about not having his full support.  Never for a moment did I worry about whether he'd still love me if I didn't have boobs.  When the Army offered to move us to San Antonio (a city he previously vowed to NEVER live in), he forced me to accept it because it would be best for me and my health.  Of course he's taken care of me after the surgeries, and sat on long lines at the pharmacy to pick up my meds, and driven me around in horrible traffic so I can buy organic food, but that's not where my overwhelming gratitude lies.  It's the unwavering, unquestioned, full-tilt support. I simply cannot imagine going through this -- or any part of life -- without him.  

2.  Friends

Wow - you have all been amazing.  So many people checking on me, sending little text messages here and there, sending really thoughtful and useful packages.  And it didn't stop after the surgeries. I just got another text a few minutes ago asking how I was feeling today.  Knowing that you all are out there and thinking about me - I am just so grateful for all of you.  Check this out - last week a friend at Ft. Bragg emailed to tell me that she knew I was feeling lousy, so she was going to take off work early and go for a trail run for me.  A few hours later, she sent this picture and a description of her run.  Easiest run I've ever done!! :)

I am grateful for every single one of you.  I appreciate every single text, funny email, and facebook chat.  I am stronger every day because of you.

3.  The Army, Army Medicine, and Army Insurance

This is the trifecta of gratitude.  First of all, my bosses are letting me work from home, as much as I feel up to it. I can't imagine being as sick as I was after chemo and having to go to work anyway. I don't know how women who run their own businesses, or those who work hourly-jobs with no paid sick leave, or who work for unrelenting corporate monsters do it. I am so grateful to not have that stress, and I know I will heal faster because of it.  Second, the level of care I get from the Army doctors is just amazing. Because there's no money involved (i.e., they aren't worried about billing for every procedure or every "consult") they just do what's best for me and my health. The doctors are always available and so compassionate - they actually call me at home just to see how I'm doing. The third part is the insurance.  Being on Active Duty is as close to socialized medicine as you'll see in America.  I don't worry about whether anything is "covered". I don't need referrals.  There are no co-pays.  I get whatever the doctor says I need, without even thinking about how much it will cost, or whether we can afford it, or how long I have to wait for the insurance company to approve it. I know how rare this is, and I fully appreciate how goddamned lucky I am to be in this position. 

I might have cancer, but damnit, am I ever lucky.  

  

AC ("After Chemo") #1

AC ("After Chemotherapy") Days 1-5

That photo pretty much sums it up.  That's me under the grey blanket.  That's my over-protective guard-dog/care-taker who insists on having at least one paw touch me 24/7.  Neither of us moved much the first five days after the first chemo infusion.  I did manage to go for a few walks around the campground, but a slow little stroll would knock me out for another 2-hour drooly, sweaty slumber, so it was a wash.

But today, I'm feeling a little stronger.  I actually checked e-mail and made a few work phone calls.  Went for a walk.  Just in time for the next infusion on Friday.  

C Day One

Spent the last BC (before Chemo) day with my pack, hiking in the hills of South Texas, eating fantastic food (goat-cheese, walnut pesto, and honey-lemon glaze bruschetta anyone????), and enjoying one last Pale Ale up in Austin.  It was a fitting end to that chapter.  

Post-hike visit to ABGB (Austin Beer Garden Brewing), where $1 from every pint goes to dog rescue!

This morning was "C Zero Day" (which so far has been much less painful than Army Zero Day).  On the advice of a very wise woman who has conquered her own share of medical battles, I went for a run at o'dark thirty.  I certainly didn't set any PRs, but hell, I ran, so f**k you cancer!

O'Dark Thirty Run with my Best Buds .... I only got tangled in their leashes and ate pavement once!

My "C Bag" (thanks Kerri and Kate) was all packed with awesome stuff I've received from wonderful friends along this journey including a super-soft blanket, Tranquility natural oil, lots of natural lip balm, ginger-chew candies, and of course a big file of LexisNexis cases and my laptop for getting some goddamned work done while I"m strapped to this chair!  

Sunday took her post-run nap on my C bag.  I think I could almost fit her in there.....

  

Then it was off to the hospital (where they have free high-speed internet!!).  The nurses and docs here are all so wonderful.  We have our own little area with a chair for Doug, lots of plugs for computers, and a big window.  I guess if I'm going to be strapped to a chair for 4 hours, it might as well be comfortable.  

Life is Good.  'Nuff said.

Once they got me all hooked up, I settled right into work.  Hoping all those toxic drugs make my legal writing more forceful.  Watch out, government, I'm now on performance-enhancing drugs.  Fly that Jolly Roger!!  Arrrgh.

I'm actually working here, not blogging!

That's all for now.  No AC ("after-chemo") updates till tonight.  I just couldn't resist the temptation of free high-speed internet to upload some of these pics.  

Bring it.